‘Which One Is the Actual Me?’ — A Veteran’s Transition and Identification Disaster

The opinions expressed on this op-ed are these of the writer and don’t essentially mirror the views of Army.com. If you need to submit your personal commentary, please ship your article to opinions@army.com for consideration.

I retired from the Marine Corps nearly two years in the past. Like most veterans, I discovered the transition from army to civilian life a wrestle — a harder wrestle than I had anticipated. Army leaders do their greatest to organize you with the necessary transition courses. Everybody tells you the transition goes to be tough.

However they will solely inform you a lot. Everybody’s battle is completely different. I’ve realized it is simply one thing it’s important to expertise for your self to totally grasp the fact of the obstacles you’ll encounter. For me, I discovered that certainly one of my trickier struggles was with my identification.

I spent the higher a part of twenty years in a tradition that’s, for all intents and functions, its personal world inside the remainder of the world. Army tradition is … completely different. However it’s not like I used to be touring again from one other planet. I wasn’t to date faraway from the remainder of the world whereas I used to be within the Corps that I did not perceive what I used to be transitioning again to.

Joshua Plummer, then a platoon commander with Drive Reconnaissance Firm, II Marine Expeditionary Drive, waits to board an plane for a fight gear coaching bounce in August 2010. (Picture courtesy of Joshua Plummer)

However there’s a marked divide.

To be bluntly trustworthy, I by no means actually recognized as certainly one of “these guys” whose identification was solely based mostly on being a Marine. So, I did not assume I used to be going to have any situation hanging up the uniform. However, that is the place my hassle began — I assumed any situation I had with identification would hinge on what I’m. I by no means even thought-about that the true wrestle for identification would focus on who I’m.

Serving within the army modifications you. The shades and levels of change range for everybody, however nobody is ever the identical as earlier than they got here in. We develop thick skins, sharp tongues, fast wits, darkish senses of humor, and intolerance for just about all the pieces. This ends in people who’re usually aggressive, abrasive, crude, and brutally trustworthy.

Which may sound like a fairly horrible individual to the typical civilian. However these are the shared qualities that assist us bond by way of shared distress and to manage — generally simply survive — life in an uncivilized world of life, dying, and an immeasurable stage of bureaucratic bull—-. These qualities additionally present the premise for lifelong friendships — a brotherhood — that almost all civilians won’t ever perceive. However when it comes time to transition, we really feel a variety of stress to adapt to a civilized world that is not so accepting of those qualities. Evidently some veterans make the transition seamlessly. Some veterans by no means do.

The remainder of us are caught someplace within the center.

Joshua Plummer with his wife and two sons at his retirement ceremony
Joshua Plummer along with his spouse and two sons at his retirement ceremony in August 2019. (Picture courtesy of Joshua Plummer)

The transition from retired Marine Corps officer to aspiring lawyer appeared like a pure one. I used to be practically twice as previous as most of my friends, and simply as previous, if not older, than most of my professors. It wasn’t a stretch for me to be a mature skilled within the classroom. I simply needed to mood my language, watch my tone, use much more persistence, and hold my jokes clear and my humor mild. I additionally did my greatest to maintain my in depth tattoos coated. On any given day within the classroom, I used to be quiet and diligent, and I stored to myself till I wanted or needed to talk up. By all accounts, I excel on this enviornment.

Outdoors the classroom, I joined the owners affiliation board and began to educate a suburban youth soccer crew. I began taking part in — or attempting to play — golf with the blokes in my neighborhood, and we had a daily poker recreation on Wednesday nights. Like in class, I stored my mouth clear and most of my tattoos coated. Although the golf- and poker-talk with the blokes typically devolves into “locker room” banter, I incessantly chunk my tongue in order to not fully offend their sensibilities with a stage of wicked, military-grade humor they’re merely not prepared for.

Some would possibly say I used to be dwelling the suburban male’s dream. However, maybe poetically, there have been many occasions when the uncivilized Marine yearned to get out or often simply got here out on his personal. I discovered that biting my tongue and minding my enterprise was not straightforward in a variety of conditions. If tempers flared or frustrations ran excessive, the brief mood, four-letter phrases, and biting tone got here out in full pressure. Furthermore, I discovered myself eager for conditions the place I might digress to the “previous me.” Catching up with fellow veterans — swapping crude memes and sarcastic insults — is a cathartic outlet and offers a welcome change of surroundings. However it’s no alternative for that lacking bond and comradery.

Joshua Plummer coaches his stepson’s sixth-grade flag football team
Joshua Plummer, middle, coaches his stepson’s sixth-grade flag soccer crew at an NFL Flag Open Event in Atlanta in June. (Picture courtesy of Joshua Plummer)

Periodically, I might “escape” from my new actuality by happening searching journeys with a few of my former colleagues and fellow veterans. In between hunts, we would sit round a campfire until the wee hours of the morning, passing round a bottle of bourbon, recounting conflict tales and bar tales, and buying and selling insults. To explain it in phrases does not do justice to the savage debauchery that takes place when a bunch of veterans with a protracted historical past get collectively to “catch up.” It is simply a type of issues the place, if you realize, then you realize. The mix of searching and testosterone-fueled vulgarity reverts us again to a time once we have been youthful, harmful, and bonded by blood and sweat. The brotherhood is a welcome respite from the pressures of minding all the pieces I say and do. However the stark distinction within the dichotomy of those two worlds typically leads me to ask: Which one is the true me?

Throughout my final searching journey, whereas sitting across the campfire with a half-dozen fellow grizzled veterans, the center of this wrestle hit me. For a second, as we performed an escalating recreation of one-upmanship with vivid, profanity-laced accountings of bar heroics, bare-knuckle fights, and brushes with dying, I assumed to myself, “Man, what would my professors and classmates assume if they might see me proper now?” Then, reflexively, I assumed, “Hell, what would these guys assume if they might see me pontificating concerning the mannequin penal code or taking part in golf on the nation membership?” Each teams of individuals would see a model of me that’s drastically completely different from the one they know. However which group would see the true me?

As I ebb and stream between two distinctly completely different worlds and the disparate personas related to every, I am unable to assist however really feel like I’m two folks generally. I typically wrestle with how one can reconcile this marked contradiction in my life. Incessantly, I discover myself questioning which individual is the true me. Am I an uncivilized Marine who pretends to be a civilized man to slot in? Or am I a civilized man who pretends to be an uncivilized Marine when I haven’t got to be cultured?

The reality is, I am neither of those males. And I am each. I’m a veteran with two faces. Every face portrays a real a part of who I’m and neither face betrays the authenticity of the opposite. I may be refined, barbaric, each, or neither — relying on what the scenario requires. However, regardless of my temper or the place I’m, any model of me is who I actually am. The truth is, coming to peace with the notion of this duality brings a way of stability to my life. This stability not solely retains me wholesome, sane, and socially accepted, it serves as a buffer to make sure that parallel worlds do not catastrophically collide. The classy skilled helps to make sure that I am not consumed by the impulsive extra of a disgruntled Marine. Conversely, the hardened realist retains the bold future lawyer grounded so I do not lose myself in a world that’s too preoccupied with climbing the company ladder and political correctness.

On daily basis continues to be an journey on the journey to transformation. However as I kind out my demons one by one, every day is much less of a wrestle than the final. Having now discovered a harmonious stability between two seemingly parallel worlds, my conflict with identification has transitioned as effectively. I’m now not involved with who I’m. I do know who I’m. I’m certainly one of thousands and thousands of veterans who proudly wears two faces. I slot in in every single place and am accepted by everybody. However, most significantly, no matter the place I’m or who I’m with, I’m all the time precisely who I wish to be.

Joshua Plummer is a retired Marine Corps Intelligence Officer now finding out regulation at Wake Forest College College of Legislation. 

Editors Observe: This article first appeared on The Conflict Horse, an award-winning nonprofit information group educating the general public on army service. Subscribe to their publication

Present Full Article

© Copyright 2022 The Conflict Horse. All rights reserved. This materials might not be revealed, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.